Blame me
by Caban University
Summary: This unearthing silence is terrifying. He's dead, you know? And it frightens me that Akihiko is losing himself because of it. It frightens me because it was my fault. So blame me, Juliana. I do already.
1. Listen to my story

Here's another story guys! This one will be more organized don't worry.

I'd like to thank my beta reader: Brookie cookie17. :)

* * *

><p><strong>BLAME ME.<strong>_  
><em>

_Listen to my story_

x

x

x

My baby girl lets go of my hand to go onto the stage. I had rented a large auditorium for her twelve birthday party. The dancers had already performed…my old band performed too. It didn't sound the same, not since he died. I sit back into the chair and listen to her voice speak on the microphone, people were already leaving.

"Um guys, I'd like to read something to you please. It's a very special birthday present. Can everyone sit down?" She twirls her hair nervously. She was never a good public speaker, however when she did everyone made sure they'd listen because she was just too innocent to ignore.

"Thank you. Ah, daddy? Could you come up here with Uncle Hiroki and Nowaki?" She smiles brightly. I have no choice but to obey her wishes, so I walk sluggishly up the stairs and smile for her. She grabs my hand and leads me to a chair that was on the stage. She did the same with Nowaki and Hiroki.

"What's up sugarplum?" Nowaki says, he sticks his tongue out when he sees Hiroki roll his eyes. I scoff.

"I read this," She looks at us sadly while her voice boomed through the auditorium.

"Is it one of Akihiko's books?" Hiroki suddenly sat up. For god sakes Hiroki she isn't reading my porn books! I made sure that they stopped publishing.

"No, daddy doesn't write books anymore. Not since…" She trailed off, "It's Haruhiko's."

I sat up. That man, he murdered my daughter. He ruined our life! I hate him.

"Throw it out." I say harshly. My daughter looks at me and pouts, crossing her arms she turns back to the audience.

"I'm going to read it to all of you today, out loud," She looks at me evilly.

"Ah, he's here!" She suddenly yells.

In the back I hear a small, "Let go of me you bastard," but I don't think nothing of it. I want her to throw away the book badly. His name still leaves a bitter taste in my tongue. I realize after a few minutes just who the big buff men were hauling. It's my brother. Holy shit, It's my brother.

He looks at me and his eyes widen. He turns around to run away but the guards ram him to the ground.

"I'm missing my damn flight you jack ass!" He yells and gets back up again. Juliana just smiles warmly as if she's known the man her whole life. So Misaki like, I think to myself.

"I'm going to read your story out loud in front of daddy and his friends. Okay?" Juliana said. Haruhiko paled.

"N-No…t-that…how did you get it anyway? I made sure I threw it out." He stopped struggling against the guards hold.

"You drove by my house while you were drunk and threw it at my window." Juliana said emotionless. His face became red with embarrassment.

"Don't read it." He says more sternly. "Please."

Nowaki gasped. Never in my life had I heard Haruhiko say please. Juliana looks at him with tears in her eyes as I growl in confusion.

"I already did." Haruhiko fell to his knees.

"I'm sorry…I'm so sorry," He says while wiping the tears from his eyes.

"I never blamed you. I'm sure Rosie wouldn't either." This time all of us gasped. What had my brother told Julie? She was never supposed to know she had a twin.

"Don't-" Haruhiko was thrown into the chair by the security guard.

"I understand all of it and I want them," She points to me and her uncles, "To understand too."

She looks at him for permission. "Okay, but after this I'm going to leave."

"I understand."

And then she opens her mouth and reads:

I remember it like it was yesterday. The day your papa died, Julia. It was a terrible day and I hope when you read this you'll understand why your daddy cries at night or why sometimes we have to rush him to the hospital due to over-drinking. I want you to know that I've always been there watching out for you and your father in the side lines. That's where I belong, in the sidelines. I don't deserve to be anywhere Isaka isn't.

You see, your parents have gone through hardships Julia, please understand, that without your papa your daddy can't live…he really can't. Which is why you have Hiroki and Nowaki there at the house. Now don't be confused, your papa loved you and your daddy loves you and it's not your fault. He's trying hard to smile when your there and I know you notice something's wrong with him and you ask yourself 'why don't I have a mommy?"

Juliana, you don't have a mom you have…or had…two dads. You know, when you were a baby, your papa would sing to you and your daddy would play his guitar. I know this because I would get so depressed by myself I'd sit outside your daddy's door and just listen. Listen to the laughs that came out of both their mouths. It was beautiful. They were beautiful. If your daddy were in his right mind then he'd tell you all sorts of stories of how I wanted to steal everything beautiful from him, he'd tell you to stay away from me.

Don't. I'm not the man I used to be, back then I was jealous of what your daddy had. I wanted your papa for myself because he was, dare I say, my brother's property. Anyway, I planned to give this to you for your sixteenth birthday but I have to give it to you sooner. Some of this you won't understand, since you're only twelve, but most of it you will. So you know, just like I do, that your fathers went through all this pain so you would be able to breathe. They love you Julia, as do I.

Juliana, you need to understand that no one asked for my story. No one asked for my thoughts. No one asked me if I was okay. I lost someone important too…but no one really cared. No one came to the waiting room with me, to hold my hand, they were occupied with you and your sisters birth. I think…at that moment I hated you. I hated you with everything I had and I'm sorry. I don't hate you anymore, I know it was part of my grief. It was something that I had to deal with…I was to blame for your sisters death and my lover's death because I was the one who left the door unlocked that day. You should blame me…I wouldn't think less of you if you blamed me. As for your papa's death, the blame goes onto the drunk driver who hit him.

Still, blame me for that too…because I wasn't there to protect him, or I asked him to buy some lemons for Isaka, or I told him to just hurry home for Akihiko since they didn't have lemons. I understand and I accept if you blame me…it's easier because you don't know me. The hard part is knowing someone and blaming them…thank god I don't really know myself right?

I know I'm running away from everyone but I can't take the pain of seeing my precious brother breaking down because of my carelessness. I plan on going to where Isaka's grave is, in Japan, and sitting there until I rot. I really can't live without him. Plus it's not like your daddy will miss me or anyone else for that matter. Understand that I just want to be with the one I love again. Akihiko would understand but I know he hates me. I hate myself.

But you're the only one that will listen to what I have to say…I think. You are Misaki's kid so you should be able to listen with your heart.

Listen to my story Julia.


	2. Ending it

It was raining the day that they told Misaki he was pregnant. The doctors were baffled, as was Akihiko. I was there because I was chasing after your papa, again, and even I was shocked. Misaki was bubbling with energy. He smiled brightly and grabbed his stomach, "Ahh! Mini Usagi is in me!"

Akihiko laughed and then kicked me out. I mean literally kicked me out. I fell to the floor with a thump but that's okay because I met him. His name was Isaka Ryuuichi and he worked as a publisher, he was there to visit his friend Nowaki.

Yea, your uncle. The idiot broke his leg saving Hiroki from a vicious cat that flew out of a tree… I remembered the video they took of it…you have to see it someday.

Anyway, I met Isaka, he was beautiful too, and his smile was amazing. He's in a coma right now but I refer to him as dead. He is dead, at least to me. He was stabbed on the day of your sister's birth.

Anyway, Isaka helped me up and laughed. I ignored him and turned my shoulder coldly. I regret that though, I wish I had stayed with him. We would had more time together, but I didn't stay and I walked to my car, similar to Akihiko's red sports car. I sat in that car and cried for hours. I really did love your papa and when I saw him happy with someone other than me…it was a terrible painful feeling. I hope you never have to endure it. When I stopped crying, I flipped open my phone and scrolled down the contacts. It was sad, there were only four contacts that I talked to outside of business. Wait there was actually only three, my father, if you even want to call him that, didn't really count.

So I went home. I made some ramen noodles and I went to sleep. Later, I had find out that Misaki and Akihiko went at it like rabbits because of the invasive security systems I installed by his house.

Anyway, they had a party to 'celebrate their family'. To celebrate you and Rosie, your sister, I was invited, surprisingly, by Akihiko. I knew right away Misaki forced him to invite me and I was grateful. Even through my pain I had been able to see Misaki happy. I had be able to just _see_ him.

So I made a few calls to my job. I worked in publishing, just like Isaka, but I didn't know it back then. I was his boss. I called a cab this time because I didn't feel like driving. I didn't feel like doing anything much back then. I was depressed, I really was. I waited outside in the cold for the cab because, despite my numb fingers, I liked the cold. It reminded me of my younger days when I let Akihiko play in the snow with his idiotic friend. They were so young that they didn't remember me taking them to the park or taking them to the carnival. It's okay if my brother didn't know how much I took care of him he would start feeling guilty if he did know. I didn't want Akihiko feeling guilty. It was weird, back then I hated him but I still loved him. He was my brother.

Not anymore though. He disowned me.

I walked into the extravagant mansion, which was the mansion I had bought for Akihiko secretly. It was his birthday and I pretended the present was from our father. He was happy when he saw our dads name on that deed. I don't know what happened with my father and my brother's relationship. I always wanted them to be more like father and son, like how he wasn't with me. I wanted Akihiko to have a father…because he hated his brother.

I walked into the mansion with a dominant swagger. In reality I was terrified. I didn't know anyone there…besides my brother and Hiroki and of course Misaki. I was nervous. But don't tell your dad okay? Actually keep this story far away from his eyes. As soon as I walked in, that green-eyed angel ran up to me and hugged me.

"Haruhiko! You came! Good, Good." What I loved about him was that, unlike most people, Misaki didn't ask for the present. He held my hand as he led me inside. Akihiko was not happy to see me…he even had a distasteful look on his face when he saw I was holding _his_ Misaki's hand.

"Yea sure. I had nothing better to do." I said; in truth I came because I loved him. I really did. I'm sure your papa would bust his lid if he knew how I felt. See, he always thought I was chasing him because of Akihiko and I was, at least in the beginning.

"Haruhiko." Your daddy said coldly. I ignored him and left to go get some punch. For the next 30 minuets I stood in the back pretending to text on my phone because no one talked to me. I liked it that way too. When people talk, they talk about useless things. Stupid, useless things. Sometimes Misaki talked about useless things too but that's only because your papa was an idiot. I mean he really was an idiot. He failed all of his classes at M university DESPITE having the best of the best tutors tutor him.

I chuckled and then looked around making sure I retained my neutral expression. I resumed my affiliation by staring at Misaki again. He shifted, which was natural. What would you do if someone was staring at you the whole party? Misaki smiled and laughed at some joke Akihiko told and he looked at me, very smugly might I add, and smirked. There was pain in my heart but I smiled back viciously and turned my attention to someone else.

Ryuichiro Isaka. That name was stamped into my head and it made my heart burn, unlike any other feeling this feeling hurt me deeply. I didn't know why at the time and that made me frustrated. Huffing, I turned away and began watching Misaki reminiscing on younger dreams where the green-eyed boy would look at me with such a soft expression it would melt my heart, I was snapped, rather rudely, out of my trance by the energetic male.

"HI!" He said, "SORRY IF I'M YELLING! I CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING OVER THIS MUSIC!"

Guests looked at him weirdly. I'm smiling right now. I'm smiling as I write this, you see Isaka was beautiful. He had deep penetrating eyes and a husky voice that was suave as hell. Every time he talked, whether it'd be nonsense or serious I'd listen. Just for that voice. Just for that tiny feeling of comfort it gave me. He grabbed my hand and shook it while saying, "ISAKA RYUICHIRO AT YOUR SERVICE…BUT YOU ALREADY KNEW THAT RIGHT?"

I looked at him with a humongous amount of disdain and annoyance. "Shut up. I can hear you without yelling" I said, still not taking my eyes off of Misaki. I was quite mean back then Juliana. I really was.

Isaka waved his hand dismissively; "OH? ARE YOU LIKE SPIDERMAN OR SOMETHING? DO YOU HAVE SUPER HEARING BECAUSE I-" I clamped his mouth with my hand. Holy hell Isaka was damn near impossible to control. Every time he'd get excited or nervous he'd scream and then try to make an excuse as to why he was screaming only to scream from embarrassment later.

"There is no music playing," I said coldly, "Moron."

He feigned death. I glared as he rose back up from laying on the floor to grab both my cheeks. Everyone was looking at us, including Misaki. I was practically red with embarrassment.

"Are you sad about something?" He asked me. That was another thing he could do. He knew when you were upset and he could always tell when someone was lying to him. He wasn't as innocent and naïve as he proposes to the world. He was similar to your papa but entirely different; do you know what I mean? What I'm saying is that there will never be another Isaka in the world. Not in a hundred million years because my Isaka was a cannon of warmth and joy something that, even I am sad to say, your papa was never that. He was always denying his feelings. Even after he had you he would reject my brother and stutter out insults.

Isaka would embrace me. He would take me in his arms and tell me he loved me for two hours straight if I'd ask. He loved me. He loved me and I loved him and we didn't give a shit about what the rest of the world thought. We ignored reality and drowned in each other.

Anyway I was shocked, actually shocked to the bone that someone would notice that I had been screaming out my sadness. I would've said yes but Misaki was there. Akihiko was next to him glaring at me…and I wouldn't let him have the satisfaction of knowing I hated life.

So without further hesitation I said; "No."

His eyebrows knotted in confusion and he pouted, cutely, at me. Removing one hand he waved a finger in my face. I growled in anger. I hated when people did that. I still do, too.

"Are you lonely? Is that why you're sad?" Isaka said softening his expression for me.

I tried to speak but all that came out was a whimper. Everyone was looking at me…my father, lord knows why he even decided to pay his 'favorite' son a visit, was there also. I couldn't do anything to get myself out of that humiliation.

"Leave me alone. I don't need idiots like you talking to me." This way, Isaka would leave me alone right? No, of course not. Isaka was the one who always chased me.

"Hey, I'm not a idiot," I smiled. Finally I had insulted him enough to make him leave. But low and behold Isaka smiled that damn entrancing smile, "I think. Anyway, Are you lonely because he doesn't love you?"

I snapped my head up from the downward position I had had it. How did he know I loved someone? I looked to Misaki and saw him staring at me with wide eyes. I wanted to cry. It was funny how I just wanted to sob my heart out.

"Listen. I'm not some fairy okay? I leave fucking guys to my brother." I said out loud. Akihiko boiled with rage. For a moment I wanted to hug him to take away his anger…but I couldn't. He hated me…and if our father saw me showing my affections to him then he would disown Akihiko. He told me that if I cared about my adorable little brother I'd leave him alone. At first I had argued against it, even threatening to run away but in the end I had agreed. You might be wondering, 'why? Usami's are never wimps we aren't of course but your grandpa was a bit violent. Actually he was very violent.

You do understand that I had to protect my blood? So I told my father I would stay far away from Akihiko and that I would make his life as miserable as mine was. But I allowed him some happiness. I allowed him to write novels, something my father hated at first but came to love once I told him I was the CEO of the corporation he was working at. As long as I was there hurting him… I was there protecting him. Sooner or later, Misaki had worked his magic and my father finally did love Akihiko. He finally loved both of them equally.

But me? He hated me. He was more violent to me always screaming, 'why couldn't you be more like your brother? Where's your Misaki? Huh?' Then when I told him about Isaka and me getting engaged, something Akihiko and Misaki never did, he had hit me so bad I had to go to the hospital.

He only showed he cared for me at Isaka's funeral which wasn't even a funeral. Actually, there's something you need to know. Isaka is technically still alive. He's comatose…but he's been that way for god knows how long. I can't take it anymore. I really can't.

During this small funeral he had put his arm around me and shook me. It didn't help much really; it just made me die a little quicker than I already was. Plus, I hate it that it took the death of my lover to get him to realize his own goddamn son.

Anyway, you want to hear more of the story right? Sorry, I keep getting off track.

Isaka looked shocked but soon recoiled his disturbance and he slapped me. It wasn't hard, but boy did I go red from embarrassment and anger.

"You. You! YOU!" That's all I could say at the time. I was so upset that I wanted to punch Isaka.

"Hey come on now, my names Ryuuchiro. It isn't that hard-" I punched him. In the face. Really hard. Akihiko ran over and pulled me away from Isaka, who was crying hysterically. He really was such a big baby. Sadly, that's not the only big thing he had. I swear it would taunt me at night poking my leg at night. Don't tell anyone, but Isaka had a really HUGE ego. He'd rub everything in my face and then snuggle with me when I ignored him. Cutest thing I ever saw, I tell you that.

"Get out."

Akihiko didn't yell, or scream; in fact he was calmer than I've ever seen him. But that demand that was ferociously growled from his mouth sent shivers down my spine. It made me realize how much my baby brother really hated nothing, not even Isaka's coma and me, was worse than that.

My brother hates me…and I hate myself also. Sometimes, Juliana, I want to end it all…I swear I do.


	3. I didn't do it yet

**PLEASE READ: **

****Sorry guys. I haven't updated in a WHOLE YEAR. Holy, shmoley. I'm sooo sorry guys. I literally have chapters 4,5,and 6 done. I just haven't gotten around to posting them.

And my beta-reader dissapeared so...yea. Excuse the spelling. /3

* * *

><p><strong>BLAME ME. <strong>

_I didn't do it yet.**  
><strong>_

__x

x

x

After I left that goddamn party I went back to my houseand I…well I don't even like thinking about what I did. Juliana, I'm going to tell you something that no one but Isaka knew, so you can't tell anyone else. When your father kicked me out I went back home and, in my never ending grief, I grabbed a silver kitchen knife and I pressed it to my skin. I was just too goddamn sad. Funny thing was, no one asked questions as to why I had bandages on my arm everyday. No one cared that much to wonder I guess.

I cut. And I cut. And I cut until my arms were gushing blood. I should've probably gone to the hospital but I didn't want to, I didn't feel like being saved or being helped. I wanted to die. But then my body would react before I could bleed out and it would wrap my arms tenderly as it my body were telling me it cared. It would wrap my arms and stop the bleeding even though I had intended to die. So I started drinking and then I passed out on the couch screaming in my hundred million dollar mansion while the butlers ignored me and the maids scurried away from me. With my throat horse and my eyes shutting I fell asleep where I would wake up the next day, drink some hard core patron and go to work.

I was drunk off my ass, again, by the time I left the house. I raced in my red sports car to the office, where I always found solitude despite the hundreds of people talking rather loudly on the phone. I went back to my office and walked right into a meeting that, sadly I was supposed to be supervising. I was stark drunk and when I get drunk I get pissed off. So I walked right into that meeting and started firing people.

"YOU! YOU'RE FIRED. OUT, NOW!" I screamed at one trembling secretary. She was on the verge of tears Shaking she nodded and ran out of the room.

"Haruhiko! Stop firing people when you're drunk, you damn idiot." Aikawa scolded me and slapped me over the head. She knew what I was going threw, with me loving Misaki and all. Oh yea, she also knew about my extra curricular hobby with my clumsly handling of knifes. I know I said no one cared about me but at that time I totally forgot about and if you knew her you'd think it was kind of impossible. Anyway, she cared for me and she knew about me trying to kill myself multiple times.

Did I mention Isaka knew too? Well if I didn't, he knew. Anyways Akihiko didn't know that his demonic editor was my very close childhood friend. And I'd like to keep it that way too if you don't mind.

"Shuddup! You're fired too! And you're fired, and you're fired, and you're fired," I said poiting to random people in the room.

They began to leave, terrified of my new violent attitude.

"You're not fired boys, we'll resume this meeting tomorrow. Same time okay?" She said softly. The mixture of men and women followed in suit of the young trembling woman who ran out of the room. Aikawa glared strangely at the person next to me who hadn't been afraid at all and who had actually out his hand on my shoulder. I was too drunk to notice though.

"And fire Akihiko and his editor and fire his publisher too…and you know what, for the hell of it…fire his boss!"

"You would be firing yourself, myself, and this kind gentlemen trying to help you not puke all over your conference center sir." Aikawa sweat dropped when I swayed to the right.

I giggled. Don't even say anything smart you damn brat. How'd I know you were going to say something like, 'you're such a little girl'? Because as much as I hate to admit, you're also Akihiko's daughter and that man always has something stupid to say.

"Ahahaha! S-So funny!" I laughed out loud. Aikawa rolled her eyes, well I think she did, my eyesight was too blury to comprehend what was happening. "H-Hey…Akiki, I think I'm drunk!"

"No shit Sherlock. It's 9 in the fucking morning, why would you get drunk at 9 IN THE GODDAMN MORNING!" She yelled right into my ear. I cringed in pain, holy hell when she would yell at you it would end up hurting you. Physically.

"Akihiko threw me out of his party…and Misaki was happy." I said in a whisper like voice.

"So you get piss drunk and ruin a good meeting because your brother kicked you out of his party? What the hell kind of shit is that?" She said while taking out a cigarette and lighting it. Putting it inbetween her lips she sighed as she inhaled the nicotince. The unfamiliar man gently set me down on a chair. "

I nodded.

"…You got drunk because Misaki was happy?" She looked at me skeptically.

"He was happy with Akihiko," I hiccupped. What's pathetic was what I did next. See what I did was I grabbed the person next to me and started crying into the person's shoulder. I was insane, I was pathetically insane I tell you.

"Oh Haruhiko. You need to get over-"

:"I CAN'T!" I screamed. She was surprised to see me cry. I never cried. Ever. "I love him. love him so much that it hurts me and it wont go away. The pain won't go away."

I clutched my arm and sobbed into someone's shoulder.

It was silent for sometime before Aikawa walked up to me and grabbed my arm. I winced at the sudden pain since the scars I had left were still soar.

"How many fucking times did we discuss this?"

She squeezed harder ignoring my yelp.

""How many times did I tell you that your going to die if you keep that shit up? How many times Haruhiko?"

Silence.

"I'M ASKING YOU HOW MANY-"

"Hop off my back. I'm trying my best here."

She touched the top of my hair. "Then why do you still do it? Tell me why you still force yourself to smile around them? Tell me why you drink yourself into bliss? Tell me why you want to destroy everything you've ever worked for. Please, I need to know Haruhiko. I want to help you."

And she really did intend to help me, And she tried to when Isaka fell into a coma, But even then it was obvious she blamed me for it.

"Because…it's the only way I know how to live anymore."

The person next to me let go of me and for a second I swore I tasted honey on my lips. I heard someone yell, 'What the hell?" before darkness made me its bitch. All the while screaming at me, "IT'S YOUR FAULT!"

Blaming me for something I didn't even do yet.


	4. Save me

**2 UPDATES IN A DAY! **Cool huh?

REVIEW AND FAVORITE AND LOVE!

* * *

><p><strong>BLAME ME. <strong>

****_Save me  
><em>

__x

x

x

I woke up on a bright orange couch. Did I ever tell you I hate the color orange? It's an ugly color, it's deceitful and murderous. It's just plain ugly, no one likes it…not even me.

I woke up on this damned couch and the first thing I saw was Isaka. He was all dressed in black and he had a little bruise by his ear. Anyway, I woke up startled and I nearly punched him again.

"Care to tell me what this is?" He demanded while holding my arm. I grabbed my arm away and called for Aikawa. She rushed in and, of course, hit me on the back of my head. With a hammer, with a hammer that had a nail on it.

"Ow! What the hell you demon woman? Wait-IS THAT BLOOD?" I touched the back of my head and indeed blood was coming out of it.

"You'll be fine. You've lived through worse."

And I have.

Before I came to work as the CEO of this little crap company I dabbled in some underground business. That was not a beautiful life. But I did it for the money since our father REFUSED to waste a single cent on us. That bastard. I really hate him, I do. For everything he put Akihiko through.

"Still you didn't have hit me with a goddamn hammer you crazy bitch." I said. Isaka looked appalled. He wasn't really used to us cursing up a storm. Still, he found it funny when Aikawa hit me. Hard.

"You didn't have to do…do _this_ to your arms." She spun her head around quickly but I could tell she was crying. She always did when she found out what I did.

"Aikawa, please don't cry. I'm sorry…I won't do it again. I hate seeing you cry." Which wasn't entirely a lie. I mean, I really did hate seeing her cry but I wont do it again? That's bullshit. Know this now that I will never stop as long as Isaka is asleep. Or dead.

"You always say that! And then I find you one Saturday morning passed out on the kitchen tub and I have to rush you to the hospital and pray you don't die!"

Isaka gasped. I looked at her with a monotone expression. I didn't care at that time. I said, to hell with it all.

"So?"

Aikawa slapped me in the face. "_So?" _

She slapped me again, "I tell you that I care for you and all you can say is, _SO?"_

This time she went for a punch. Almost got me in the face too but good old Isaka hauled her back. He was really strong.

"Then don't drive me anywhere next time!"

"You'll die!" She screetched.

"I KNOW!" I winced. The pain from my head was almost too much to bear.

Stupid, hitting me with hammers. That was one thing that pissed me off about Aikawa, she always hit me with hammers. Evil little girl she was. But at least she treated Akihiko the same, probably less violent though. Isaka looked at me with sympathy. But little did I know it wasn't sympathy…he just understood death. His earlier lover had killed himself because of…well actually Isaka never did tell me why. Every time I'd ask he blank out and become all stiff.

"It's none of your damn business. You're fired. Leave." I said harshly to Isaka. He looked like he was about to cry. It broke my heart. But I hadn't known I loved him then. I hadn't understood that the burning sensation I had been feeling was want.

"No you're not. Stay. Now you," Aikawa pointed towards me, "You are to stop firing people because you're mad at them okay?"

I growled knowning that if I disobeyed her she'd kill me, "Fine."

She left and Isaka came closer to me. "Hey, hey?"

When I didn't look he pinched my arm, "What?" I growled out.

"Do you want to go on a date with me?"

I was stunned. I really was. I gaped at him like a fish.

"We can leave now. It's almost 12 and I have my lunch break."

I started to say no, I opened up my mouth to say, 'No way in hell' but somehow the word no was twisted into sounding like "sure".

I had just agreed to go on a date with Isaka…and let me tell you Juliana. One date was all it took to make me realize that I loved him.

And I did.

And I do.

…I was about to pass out from blood loss.

Oh god, help me.

Please, anyone…SAVE ME!


	5. Blame Me

"That's it?" Akihiko asks his daughter. What happened to the rest of Haruhiko's story? He thinks to himself.

Haruhiko pales and squeaks out, "N-No…please don't read that…how'd you even get that-"

"I paid people to steal it the nut house you were in. I haven't read this one yet but I assume it isn't pleasant. Right?"

Haruhiko cries loudly. He sobs and bangs the floor, "Please! Why me? Why?"

"This is the price you pay for guilt you shouldn't have."

People had begun to leave. The only people there were Akihiko, Nowaki and Hiroki, and Haruhiko.

"You're not going to like what you find so please…just let me go."

"If I did…what would you do?" Juliana asks her uncle who, in favor of just crying his heart out, replies in a sturdy voice: "I'm going to die."

"Then I won't…everyone will hear your story. Isn't that what you wanted?"

Haruhiko shook his head. "I can't…I won't go back there. I will **never** go back to that place."

Hiroki looks at the other Usami sibling and rolls his eyes. "What place are you talking about? Japan? We already know you go back there once a-"

"Sea view." He replies. Everyone, including Juliana, wanted to know more. "Sea view," He repeats, "Is a hospital."

"Hospital?" Nowaki's eyebrows flare up. He suspects what type of hospital Haruhiko has stayed at but will not embarrass him.

"It's a hospital for the mentally insane."

Hiroki gasps, "Why were you admitted to the mentally insane?"

For that Haruhiko has no answer. He wants to tell them but he's pretty sure they'll hate him. "I…hurt people really bad…"

But that isn't it. It was so much more than that. He had beaten Isaka's murders to death, all 10 of them. He'd conducted gruesome scenes for their death, worse than the ones one would find in a saw movie. And he tried to kill himself only this time it wasn't a half-assed job. He had actually succeeded in his attempt…but then the police, who had been looking for him already, bust in and he survived.

"So…this is your story?" Akihiko asks.

But Haruhiko ignores him, "Juliana, don't you dare read that story. I'm better now. They released me okay? Don't put me back there…please! I'd rather die! Why won't anyone let me die?"

"Brother…" Akihiko whispers in the softest voice. No one heard him however.

"LET ME DIE! I DON'T WANT TO LIVE WITHOUT ISAKA ANYMORE! I'M TIRED OF LIVING, JUST LET ME DIE! LET ME DIE! LET ME-" Haruhiko is stabbed with something and he promptly falls back into the guards hold.

"Please…Juliana, please don't read this. They don't need to know."

But Juliana turns away and Haruhiko passes out while crying and then Juliana reads:

My story starts off as Haruhiko Usami and ends…well it doesn't end. Not that I know of. God, everything is black, and closing in on me. I was writing a letter to my dearest niece but I can't send it to her anymore because I've lost my fucking mind. So I don't know whom this is for. I'm so chalked up on drugs that I don't know if I'm actually writing this. Knowing me, I'd probably get piss drunk and send it to her anyway. So I'm writing to myself, I think. Maybe.

Around 14 years ago I met **him** and for 2 years we dated. We were in love that we were. Much more in love that those other goons that Akihiko used to write about. Nowaki and Hiroki, I think. I'd imagine they're dating other people now. They always used to argue. But I guess that worked for them.

Anyway, after two years he was stabbed. We were in a horrible argument and I stormed out of the house. I remember it like it was yesterday…well it was yesterday, for me. Everyday is yesterday and every tomorrow never comes. Jesus.

His words echo in my ear, "YOU NEVER LOVED ME! YOU ALWAYS LOVED-"

"SHUT UP! You should know by now who the fuck I love!"

"DO I? YOU NEVER SHOW IT! I'VE ALWAYS, ALWAYS, CHASED AFTER YOU BECAUSE I'M THE ONLY ONE THAT CARES!"

"How dare you assume that about me?"

Loudness enters my brain, banging on my hand. Sh. Why won't it stop? Swirling black, I've stopped taking the medicine that drowns out my conscience.

"Guys-" Misaki tried to say. No one listened to him.

"How dare you play me for a fool? You think I don't know you're cheating on me? You don't think I _fucking_ know?"

Silence. So much silence, for words unsaid-"Fuck you."

"I hate you."

More silence. "Then you can have this back," I threw the engagement box at him, "I'm going to cool off."

"Ah…lock the door on your way out. There's been people stalking Usagi-san lately and they've started to become violent."

"Yea…whatever."

I never locked the door. When I came back blood was everywhere. I didn't even realize when the ambulance came or when Akihiko shook me and asked me what happened. I sat in the waiting room and waited for news of Isaka. When I learned about Isaka's comatose state, I cried my heart out.

When I learned about Rosie's death I did nothing. I was too dead already to care.

I've murdered 10 people, all in a gruesome way and I've been placed in here because I'm crazy. I'll be released in 3 years, if they deem me sane. But I'm not crazy. Those 10 people were the 10 people who broke into Akihiko's house and stabbed Misaki and Isaka.

I've gotten revenge and I've gotten mad. I'm becoming unstable, I know that now. Just yesterday I wondered how it would feel to rape someone. Or maybe I want to be raped?

I don't know.

I need the pain.

I see the past everyday. It flows through my head and I can't stop it. One second I'm with Isaka and the next I'm tying Todo up to a woodcutter. And the black, the never-ending black; always swallowing me up. Always waiting for me to relapse. I'm tired. So tired.

It's insane. I'm insane.

I need help.

Then I laugh, doesn't everybody?

I've fallen low haven't I Ryu? When are you coming back to me…?

And then I truly know I'm crazy when I hear, "_I'm coming soon, Haru." _


End file.
